Me regresé a Mexico el 1ro de Agosto del año pasado,
Night before leaving
I remember the night I came to you to say goodbye, te dediqué una canción de toña la negra and we held off tears in front of my mom, until she told us to hug each other and all three of us ended up needing tissues. I came to your bed later that day so you could console me. It still hadn't set in my mind that those would be the last days I'd have with you before we were 3000 km away.
I had been broken up, so I started sobbing while I hugged you and laid over you like a melting costal. I told you with snot running down my nose how I had failed all the friends that mattered to me, but you told me I had tried my best, and that I was capable of love. I was so afraid of losing you too. Sana sana colita de rana bitch.
I did leave you, and we did lose each other in ways. And yet you still console me from time to time, and when I present my tears to you, I think of all the times you've let your guard down. Each time a new heartache comes and we hold it together. We make them featherweight.
I remember the night I came to you to say goodbye, te dediqué una canción de toña la negra and we held off tears in front of my mom, until she told us to hug each other and all three of us ended up needing tissues. I came to your bed later that day so you could console me. It still hadn't set in my mind that those would be the last days I'd have with you before we were 3000 km away.
I had been broken up, so I started sobbing while I hugged you and laid over you like a melting costal. I told you with snot running down my nose how I had failed all the friends that mattered to me, but you told me I had tried my best, and that I was capable of love. I was so afraid of losing you too. Sana sana colita de rana bitch.
I did leave you, and we did lose each other in ways. And yet you still console me from time to time, and when I present my tears to you, I think of all the times you've let your guard down. Each time a new heartache comes and we hold it together. We make them featherweight.
La noche antes de irme
Recuerdo la noche que vine a despedirme de ti, te dediqué una canción de Toña la negra y contuvimos lágrimas frente a mi mamá, hasta que ella nos dijo que nos abrazáramos y los tres terminamos de ojos llorozos. Más tarde, ese mismo día me recibiste en tu cama para consolarme. Todavía no se me habiá convencide que esos serían los últimos días que te tendría antes de que estuviéramos a 3000 km de distancia.
Me habían cortado, así que comencé a sollozar mientras te abrazaba y me recostaba sobre ti como una costal derritiéndose. Te dije con mocos corriendo por mi nariz cómo les había fallado a todos los amigos que me importaban, pero tú me dijiste que había hecho lo mejor que podía y que era capaz de amar. Yo también tenía tanto miedo de perderte. Sana sana colita de rana bitch.
Te dejé y nos alejamos une de otre de varias maneras. Y sin embargo, todavía me consuelas de vez en cuando, y cuando te presento mis lágrimas, pienso en todas las veces que bajaste la guardia. Cada vez con un nuevo dolor que acoger juntes. Los hacemos livianos.
Recuerdo la noche que vine a despedirme de ti, te dediqué una canción de Toña la negra y contuvimos lágrimas frente a mi mamá, hasta que ella nos dijo que nos abrazáramos y los tres terminamos de ojos llorozos. Más tarde, ese mismo día me recibiste en tu cama para consolarme. Todavía no se me habiá convencide que esos serían los últimos días que te tendría antes de que estuviéramos a 3000 km de distancia.
Me habían cortado, así que comencé a sollozar mientras te abrazaba y me recostaba sobre ti como una costal derritiéndose. Te dije con mocos corriendo por mi nariz cómo les había fallado a todos los amigos que me importaban, pero tú me dijiste que había hecho lo mejor que podía y que era capaz de amar. Yo también tenía tanto miedo de perderte. Sana sana colita de rana bitch.
Te dejé y nos alejamos une de otre de varias maneras. Y sin embargo, todavía me consuelas de vez en cuando, y cuando te presento mis lágrimas, pienso en todas las veces que bajaste la guardia. Cada vez con un nuevo dolor que acoger juntes. Los hacemos livianos.
De una carta a queridxs:
I´m in constant processing of losses, gifts and transformations. Moving was such a monumental shift, which I downplayed at the beginning, but I want to give it its proper weight, and pay attention to all that I'm feeling; the joy, pain, and hardship. When I got to my grandma's house 5 months ago, I had expectations and an image of Mexico, that has become so much more nuanced and intricate. I keep telling people how the migration experience led me to experience a static memory, a concept of what I'd left behind. Except things keep moving. Its the nostalgia that I feel makes up so much of what latinidad is in the US. And its been such a mindfuck of intersectionality lol, to feel so many factors playing into where I am rn in life. Genderwise, I've been somewhat mournful for the priviledges I had back in LA. The ease of visibility and open queerness. Witnessing this and then the same losses of priviledge from afar a few months later, but this time within the empire (USA). Life has felt like riding ripples in a wave. The lows are tied by limitation, grief, loneliness, the highs by community, culture, and possibility. I'm just now exiting a deep sadness, nonetheless, I'm very excited for the possibility that I see here. For the first time in years I've seen this place as a place for creation and newness. And I want to take more ownership of creating; to demand more space for myself to make, and be.
I WANT TO SHARE ALL THAT I KNOW. QUIERO COMPARTIR TODO LO QUE SE.
Some books that have transformed the way I see the world:
Algunos libros que han transformado la manera en que veo el mundo:
Click around, I’ve found links for free versions, the rest lead to the next thing available.
In progress of digitizing copies so all are available for free
Da click en los libros, llevan a versiones gratuitas o un sitio donde comprar.
En processo de digitalizar copias para su distribucion gratuita
